Me: defined

to myself: kind, loving, accepting, forgiving...

to my husband: unfailing, forgiving, accepting, kind, understanding, compassionate, passionate, teammate, sounding board, best friend...

to my daughter: kind, loving, accepting, unfailing, forgiving, friend, mama, open....


I had to make this list because lately I am have been having some trouble remembering who i am and what i am doing here. but after making this list i saw how little i saw in myself. Grrr....

***have i lost myself trying to be a wife and mother? what about the social worker that i am? or the friend?

_______________________

on a less depressing note. i love my Greg! Tonight we went out for our anniversary (its really the 23rd) but we are super busy on that day so anywho out we go. we talked. its been awhile since we talked. really talked. not about the house. not about Rowen, not about the in-laws, not about my parents. we just talked. i fell for this guy because he had a strange obsession with Star Wars. i too had a strange obsession with Star Wars. he makes me laugh...all the time. I cant stay mad at him. I have tried. I am a bit of a dreamer and he keeps my feet on the ground.
-----he's where i find myself...he's my 'Colorado'.

* its late. Rowen and Greg have fallen asleep in the dinning room ( where we are sleeping until the carpet guy finishes) and I am in the loft typing away. I m jealous of my own free time. *

Night.

*** Sometimes, I want to find a closet, walk into it, close the door behind me and SCREAM!***

*let me explain.

It all started many many years ago when i pray for patience ( I was in 10th grade), and God has been testing me ever since. You THINK i would have learned by now, but apparently I am messing something up.
So last night as I am in deep conversation with God, I said to him, " Go ahead, continue to test me but at least give me a time frame for all of this and maybe some deep down inner strength."
Because lately, the stuff he has been throwing my way I almost want to throw it right back at him. But here's to FAITH that things will get better. (cheers) And here's to GROWTH and CHANGE in myself.

*and now i am going to quote 'Velvet Elvis' because its been that kind of day.

----Faith is mysterious to the core. It is about things and being that untimately cannot be put into words. Language fails. And if we do definitively put GOD into words, we have at that very moment made God something God is not.----

House almost done! YAH! This is one thing that I thought would have me stressed and yet it doesnt! I am just so excited about being able to live there.

****Baby sleeping. I might make myself lunch and pack a couple mre boxes.

Snow

The house...almost finished. 4 days and I get to curl up on the couch next to the fireplace!

SNOW!!!! SNOW!!! I love SNOW

we are renting in an apartment complex until the house is done. which will be like 4 days. but last week we had a little snow storm. rowen has never been in snow. as you can see from the picture not much snow feel at the complex but about 20 minutes later we went up to our house, which is outside of town at the foot of a mountain, there was much more snow!

Breathe...

So today I got a nephew! Never had one of those. My sister, at 37, had a baby boy this morning. Her last child, MaryBridget is 7. This baby boy, Philip David, was a bit of a surprise. But in our family, we LOVE surprises. It was a weird experience for me being home this time. When she had her other two I was there. This little tiny baby boy is sooo cute! he looks just like my brother-in-law Ed.

* In other news, we are soon to move into our house. Possibly even by Saturday. My heart jumps on the inside because i do hope that happens. I have been waiting desperately to decorate my tree and bake cookies and wrap presents in my new home. I do love it too. So much!

I cannot wait to curl up on the couch next to the fireplace and sip hot cocoa or soak in my tub. Once May hits and this other baby arrives, I may not have the luxury to do such things. I am truly excited about this baby but I am also scared out of my wits. What on earth am I going to do with two??? After what happened with Rowen I am second guessing everything i am doing, wondering if I should be doing it. Wondering if I should be concerned about things that are or arent happening yet. My mind is so wrapped up in it, sometimes I think its ALL i think about.
I am without my best friend tonight. He is out at the house working on tile...AGAIN! I will be glad when that tiling is done. I have missed him the past couple of months. When he was not teaching he was taking a class or tiling or painting or something. I feel like we havent talked in months. I am hoping he finds himself home for Christmas. He doesnt know it but he definitely keeps me grounded and sane among other things. Oh how I do love him dearly. Our anniversary is coming up next week. Time passes so quickly.

*gonna go finish watching Mary Poppins. It makes me giddy.

Inspiring....

i found this little piece of inspiration while I was stumbling though the internet....

"Just as I was about to tell my eight-year old the truth about Santa Clause, she said she was going to ask him to end the war in Iraq" ( Bill C.)

this pulled at my heart. i beleive in Santa, even today. i also believe in fairies and angels and leprechauns. or maybe i just believe in the magic of those things. the tooth faire is a real stretch for me though. because of all the scattered ages in my family ( extended and all) there has never, since I can remember, been a time when Santa wasn't stopping by during the night. so for 29 years Santa has been, he has existed every Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

why am i going on and on about Santa? Christmas is by far my FAVORITE time of year. anticipation, letter writing, gift giving, love, miracles, snow, Santa, elves....all those things remind me of every year around this time. i truly hope that traditions are kept for many years to come and that Santa never gets to be 'just a story' to humanity.

*****In other news: house is getting done at some point soon. I cant wait!
Baby is doing ok. Mama is slowly getting better. I am able to eat from 2 food groups now!
I guess I really did forget how hungry I was last time i was pregnant too.

in a couple of weeks we get to find out what we are having. not that I care. doctors tell me its a baby so I am good with that!

going to go feed the other one. its lunch for her.

New Baby

So indeed, Rowen is going to be a big sister. Yah, for Rowen. We found out we were expecting in late September. It was definitely NOT planned, but as you know Greg and I usually plan for nothing and stuff just HAPPENS! UGG....
I remember the doctors exact words when I was in the hospital with Rowen, "DO NOT GET PREGNANT FOR AT LEAST A YEAR". My exact thoughts were 'Is he for real?' At that point in my life after all that we had been through with Rowen being 2 months early which then required her to be in the hospital for 42 days, I could not imagine us taking the risk of having to repeat the process.

But everyone knows our luck! Exactly a year later....( fill inthe blank)

So here I am today, 13 weeks and sicker than I ever was with Rowen. I have lost, yes LOST 18 pounds. The baby is doing great though. He/she is growing. YAH! Greg and I have decided we are not finding out what we are having. Dont know how long that will last but whatever. So because of what I went through before I am listed as high risk. Chance of going on bed rest again is very likely. How do you go on bed rest with a "walking 15 month old"....?
There is a shot I wll be getting weekly from 20-36 weeks, that, according to research will decrease the chances of this baby coming early. I have already lectured this baby about staying inside!

Here are some rules and regulations I came up with for this pregnancy ( I think they are quite funny)
1. This baby is not allowed to show his or her face until at least 36 weeks.
2. If by chance he or she is early, they will come fully ready to be out in the real world.
3. There will be no hospital stay for 42 days
4. He or she will NOT come home on a air/heart monitor
5. He or she will be bigger than 4 pounds

************ thats all i could think of...I doubt this baby will listen any better than Rowen did but here's to hoping he or she will.

We have come up with some names, although nothing has really stuck with me yet.

Boy: Liam Hugh

Girl: Lillian Eva
I am still in love with the name Ameila but my Greg thinks its too OLD....grrrrr...

Thats enough for now.

it's a phone call....

It's a phone call, it's a conversation traveling thousands of miles connecting two old friends as if they were a block away. It's a kiss from someone special to start your day. It's about pictures of your past and the places you have been. It's about a sister talking about sheep and how to relate them to your life. It's about moms who care too much and about being thankful for moms who care too much. It's about having long hair to pull back in the summertime. It's about cookouts with friends. It's about friends who are real. It's about forgiveness and it's about moving on. It's about learning new things and riding roller coasters. It's about finding out who you truly are and what you love. It's your favorite pair of flip-flops, it's about a guy and a girl meeting for the first time. It's about change, it's about summer, fall, winter and spring. It's about friends but mostly about the love you choose to share.
It's a page turning in your favorite book, its about the smile on your nieces faces every time you see them, it's about the love and beauty of nature. It's about wondering about the future, it's about knowing what you believe and believing in what you love. It's about risk. It's about friendship, it's about death and dying, heaven and hell, and you and me. It's about traditions passed down from generation to generation. It's about realizing your potential. It's about not being in control, knowing when to speak and knowing when words will never be enough. It's about changing your perspective. It's about loving your mom and dad and knowing that no other human beings will protect or defend you like your family will. It's about angels and finding your place. It's about making peace with you past, your present and your future.

***so I wrote this about my life a couple of years ago, when i first met the love of my life. It's true, the part about "people change you". Not in a way that most people think. There is so much to life I cannot imagine one lifetime being enough to truly live it out. But alas, that is what we are given.

A couple updates: House to be completed the middle of December. How will I ever pack everything???? or unpack everything??? Pregnant? YES YES YES! No pictures yet, but another post on it, stay tuned. Rowen walking. AHAHAHA....the mama is going crazy with this one.

All in all, we are well.

The Insanity....

Ugg...

I feel...*insert emotion here*. We got our new bed last week (hurray!) and the three of us fit, if need be. Things have been rough here and I almost hate talking about it *err writing about it*, but I have realize lately that writing is such good therapy for me. My biggest pet peeve: people who tell you how and what you should do with you life! Give me a freakin' break. Try living your own life. *ok i'm done*

Thoughts going through my head right now: *I make a mean wrap*. I tried to copy this wrap I had at RED ROBIN awhile ago and it turned out really well. It was juicy and delicious! In a tomato basil shell I wrapped chick marinated in greek dressing. Then you add some mustard powder (just a little...that stuff is HOTT). Add a little lettuce, cheese and ranch dressing and WA-LA! You're done!

::::::::::::::thats all for now.

wedding. wedding. photography business.

So I was never really great at making up a good title. To be honest, today that is the best I can do. Lots of new and exciting things going on in the HERB world. Nate & Amanda(brother & sister-in-law) got married on 9/4/09. Very exciting and very pretty. As you can see from the photos below it was a beautiful day! Amanda and her father walking down the isle.

Greg and Rowen looking their best. Greg was the best
man and Rowen was pretty darn cute that day.

Grandma & Grandpa love their little 'Rowen'.
( Greg's parents)

Greg and the Groom, Nathan. Sharp looking boys.

This was where the wedding took place.
This is the reheasal. It was beautiful both days.

* in other news, Rowen Photography was born this week. i am not sure where it will take me but i am so excited about this new adventure. it will allow me to being doing what i love to do as well as stay at home with Rowen. i am excited and scared. i have never done something so daring. although, my mother would say otherwise. this morning i created somewhat of a website on FACEBOOK. it is simple called Rowen Photography. right now everything i am going to do for people will be FREE. yes, you heard it correctly. until i have created a bigger portfolio i feel like i cannot really charge anything yet.

* either way it will be fun. so check me out or i should say the photography. let me know if you are interested in any type of sessions. you can leave comments here. I check this everyday. if not you can email me: brownwynherb@gmail.com. love to here from you.

Today

So today I was going through some old books of mine and found something from at least 10 years ago. It was a book of peoms and quotes that I had apparently gathered over the years. It was intersting to find and some of them are really good. I thought maybe others would enjoy them as well so I am going to put them in here...I promise to write small( did i just really type that). I mean that I will TYPE small. Started a new book and who knows if I will ever finish but it's call " The Shack", a friend told me about it at least 6 months ago and it has literally taken me this long to get it. My procrastination will be the death of me.

* Favorites: 'The trail compels you to know yourself and to be yourself and puts you in harmony with the universe. It makes you glad to be living. It gives you health, hope, courage and extends that touch of nature which tends to make you kind' - Enos Mills

'The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways but narrower viewpoints. We spend more but have less, we buy more but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more convenience but less time. we have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge but less judgment, more experts yet more problems, more medicine but less wellness. We drink too much, smoke too much, spend to recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray to seldom. We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. We talk too much, love to seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things but not better things. We've cleaned up the air but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom but not our prejudice. We write more but learn less. We plan more but accomplish less. We've learned to rush but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever but we communicate less and less. These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men but small character, steep profits and shallow realtionships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses but broken homes. These are the days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throw-away-morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight or to just hit delete. * I want to say that George Carlin wrote this when his wife died. It was a forward my grandmother sent to me.

'I love you, my brother, whoever you are- whether you worship in your church, kneel in your temple, or pray in your mosque. You and I are all children of one faith, for the diverse paths of religion are fingers od the loving hand of one Supreme Being, a hand extended to all, offereing completeness of spirit to all, eager to recieve all' -Kahlil Gibran

*** Thats all for now. Headed out to the BIG wedding this weekend. ***

Little Rowen and Life's Little Messes.

This is the princess I live with. Her cousins Nellie and MaryBridget made the crown for her for Christmas. She is so lucky that she has cousins who who understand her true nature. I was so surprised that she actually wore the crown...she usually won't wear anything on her head long.

This is my dear Rowen questioning me. I thought she might like applesause, but she gave me this look instead.

And this......is crazy Rowen. Not sure how i captured this but it makes me laugh every time i see it. I feel like she is saying ' I AM YOUR QUEEN IF YOU DO NOT LISTEN TO ME....I WILL EAT YOU'.....crazy kid.

*it's been a good couple of days. greg seems better but that may all be relative. there is a brothers wedding coming up on friday. how very exciting. we are so happy for them. greg has his best man speech all prepared and its very good. knowing myself, i'll probably cry.

so i am packed. yah! an accomplishment. i am pretty sure i will repack too. its my nature. rowen is sleeping soundly which is rare these days. there are so many things i could be doing this very second but this writing is such good therapy for me i can't seem to stop.

*i almost sold the dog yesterday. i came home from dropping off some baby clothes and i think i may have only been gone an hour or so and when i walked through the door a stench that made me gag filled the room. YUK. YUK. YUK. he had pooped in his cage again. i threw the cage outside, the dog went into the bathroom and i immediately had to spray the house, open all the windows and refrain from screaming all the bad words i knew. you know i wanted so bad too. rowen squealed. but alas, i didn't sell the dog or kill him. again, yah for me. in all honesty, my life is nothing of how i pictured it. and it's a bit of a love/hate relationship right now. right now i am looking into some art classes for rowen and i to do together. we'll see how that turns out. for some reason, right now, the dog has forgotten he and i do not get alone. ( he is curled up beside me)

*i am excited for my bed to arrive. sick of waking up more tired then when i went to bed. sick of sharing a queen size bed with two bed hogs! ( miss rowen and her daddy)

let the rain come down.

Dear God,
Where are you? When you get a chance, please give me a call.

Thanks,
Brownwyn


* i feel like i am falling a part a bit by bit. but i am suer it will get better, right? sometimes i don't feel like a realist at all. sometimes i feel like i don't know anything. rowen is crawling all over the place and falling. just today though, she started pointing at things. i'm tired. very tired. but i guess sometimes that just doesn't matter. there is still some tension around this little place. i'm not sure when it will subside but i'll wait it out.*

* i am in a funny place. a place where i don't know how to fit. i'd always thought i would have kids. i knew i would. i guess i never thought much past that. i didn't see myself staying home and i am not sure why i never saw that but i saw myself helping people. it's an odd thing, ya know, spending your early years 'finding your way' and then to have found it... only to have to reevalute once again....looking for a new way to be...YOU.

*I am changing. I am becoming the person I want to be. fun times ahead.

Everwood

It's an 'Everwood' fest at the Herb Household. Greg is addicted...finally. Season 2 started tonight, right after little Rowe, Rowe went to bed. Some of my favorite quotes from Everwood....

'The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm not sure who the first person was who said that. Probably Shakespeare. Or maybe Sting. But at the moment, it's the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw, my inability to change. I don't think I'm alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still... It feels safer somehow. And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected... Who knows what other pain might be out there, waiting for you. Chances are it could be even worse. So you maintain the status quo. Choose the road already traveled and it doesn't seem that bad. Not as far as flaws go. You're not a drug addict. You're not killing anyone... Except maybe yourself a little. When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion, where all of a sudden we're like this different person. I think it's smaller than that. The kind of thing most people wouldn't even notice unless they looked at us really close. Which, thank God, they never do. But you notice it. Inside you that change feels like a world of difference. And you hope this is it. This is the person you get to be forever... that you'll never have to change again.' -Ephram

...'We were like Mike and Scottie....only shorter and whiter.'- Bright

Thats all I have for tonight. Its been a long couple of days. Greg a little down so I have been picking up some of the pieces. We did a little birthday shopping for Rowen this afternoon and I am excited for her to open some of her presents. More to come later.....

"Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it." --Buddha

...Here we are again.

also...read 'Velvet Elvis' by Rob Bell....

My husband says its 'not for him'...he'll come around some day.

It's been an interesting time here. Many things are being challenged, including my faith. I have always thought of myself as a strong individual but to make it through the next couple of months will be proof enough. pray.

* I hear crying. she must be awake.*

Mini Updates....

So much has happened and so much time has passes since the last entry. I thought I would be better at this and I was sure that as Rowen got older I would be able to better manage my time. HA. Who tells us these lies. When Rowen slept 5 hours a day...I had time. Time to finish the dishes, time to do tha laundry, time to vaccume, time to talk to my husband and time to think. Now that she is up and moving around at about 100mph...I can't even think if I have gone to the bathroom some days.

In fact just the other day, I was finishing up the bottles and I heard a noise from the bathroom. She often scoots to the bathroom to see her bathtub friends. I walked in to check on her and there she was...playing in the toilet! YUK! So she got what she wanted....in the bathtub she went. Boy do we have our days cut out for us! Exciting times ahead.

Greg has started back to school. He has In-Service this week and the kids are back on Monday. I love back to school. I love the smell, everything is new. I love fall. My favorite time of year for sure. The anticipation of the first day of school.

The house is coming along great. It looks amazing. I can't believe that we are able to build. We are so blessed!

Its been so long...

So as of April 30, we were technically homeless. Luckily, Greg's parents, who live two blocks from us had already planned for us to live with them til our house is done. Thank you Jesus!
Its been awhile since I last was on here....life has been very hectic.

We went from packing some things to packing our entire life into a storage unit until January. We have a contractor and he has started the process and a week ago we purchased our land. Here are some pictures with Rowen and the land.

So....Rowen is getting so big. She is 8 months now. Trying so hard to crawl. Holding her bottle, talking, and just being the cutest little girl ever.

Appraisal

So I wish there was a less stressful way to sell your house but alas there is not. Rowen and I are sitting here today waiting for the appraisal man to come. Now I have to say I really shouldn't be complaining. We put our house up for sale on February 28...It sold in two weeks (and they say we are in an economic crisis). A professor and his family bought it. But either way here we are waiting for this guy to get here and he's late. I am trying desperately to let Rowen sleep. It's only fair, it is her morning nap time. But back to my original thought....WHAT an adventure we are on! I know I said yesterday how hard it might be to live with Greg's parents but how cool it will be for Rowen to be able to be so close to her grandparents, even if it is for a short time and HOW exciting it is for us to be able to build our dream house and be able to save money along the way! We will finally be rid of my college loans. YAH! I think I said before all the emotions I was going through as I was realizing we would be moving out of this house. Its not like I hate the place. It's just that we are getting to big to stay here. We have too much crap! hahah. 

So in other news I am getting more and more excited about the upcoming events that are happening. Sarah and Travis's wedding is just around the corner. In fact, last night they were here to make invitations and have coffee. I never realized how relaxing that can be to just chill with friends. And I am getting so excited for our family vacation to Colorado. I have not been there in 7 years. How much I have changed since then and how much Colorado has changed as well...I cant wait!

I guess thats all for now...stay tuned. 

6.5 Months Old

mmmm....I love giraffe!

Hello, Mama

This giraffe is her best friend right now!

chewing on her little hands because her teeth are coming in. Poor kid!

6.5 Months Old:
Is it possible? It is possible because that's how old she is. She went to her 6 month check up last week and she is 17 pounds, 26 3/4 in. and growing! I cant believe how tall she is or how fast she has grown. She was born at 4 pounds and to be this big already! She is doing great. Eating lots of solid food now...her favorite being squash and sweet potatoes. She started rolling over...and she talks and babbles so much. She is a delight to be around. She started sleeping through the night right after Christmas and she has continued her schedule which I am very thankful for. I am also extremely thankful that I can stay home with this bundle of joy! Greg is grateful for it too. I am lucky that I get to see all these great changes that take place every day.

In other news, Greg and i just sold the house about a week ago. In a way, I am excited for our new adventure! But in all other ways I remember everything that took place in this house. I fell in love, I started a family here. But slowly I know we are out growing it. So we have to be out of here by ...April 30th...YIKES~ lots of packing. As of right now, we are going to build out dream house. But in doing that we have to moving in with Greg's parents for about 6 months- yeh! I cried too. Well see how it goes, I am going in with a positive attitude but I dont know how long it will last. Either way, it should be interesting.

Thats all for now. Rowen and I are going out to lunch with some friends.

Rowen Elizabeth

Rowen was born September 7. She was born 8.5 weeks early, spending nearly 42 days in the NICU. Seeing her play and looking at her now...no one would ever guess.