Raw

From the very first moment of my life that I can remember I have always wanted to be different. It wasnt enough for me to just be who I was, i needed to be different. I needed to shock people, to be bold, to run against the crowd. I needed to have bright hot pink hair, and pierce things, get tattoos. I needed to think liberal, dare to test and doubt God, find faith in something other than what had been drilled into my head. I needed to run away, and get lost in something. I needed to find happiness in material things. I needed to fall many times. I needed to make mistakes; cut people I love out of my life, and remove myself from all that I ever knew. I needed to blame my parents. I needed to cut myself, until I bled, in anger. I needed to starve myself of everything that is good. I needed to hate myself for a moment. I needed to be bitter and offer no forgiveness to myself or others. I needed to be angry for awhile. I needed to be different. I asked to be different. I didnt want to be like everyone else. I wanted something in my life to set me apart from everyone else. I needed to get into trouble. I needed to standout in the worst possible way, because where and what I come from, you are expected to get it right. I needed to hurt myself. I needed to feel pain. I needed to find myself, who ever that was, in my own time. Today, I find myself tired but a little better off. I am not perfect. I dont deserve some of the wonderful that have happened in my life. I need to be different. And I am. I am different because I have faith in someone and something that is bigger than me. Im working on forgiveness. Its a hard one. Most times its something you got to keep doing or asking for, day after day. Because we are human, we will make mistakes. The more real we are with that, the more realness we will get out of our life and what we are suppose to do with it. I want to be someone who has the courage to step out and speak out. I have put myself out there, I have decided to be me and show you that I havent had the perfect life that everyone assumes, that I made mistakes, but that I also changed. Im different. But there are some mistakes I know I will never allow myself to make.
Change comes around when people like you challenge people like me.