Believing

Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken or rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conductive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it. -Buddha

Amazing words. Since my grandfathers’ sudden death, I have been struggling with what I believe and why I believe it. Its not enough for me anymore to just go with the flow. I need more. I need more than what faith has to offer. I need proof, bigger proof that something greater control what is going on out there. Moreover, if that is the case why do SO many bad things happen to SO many good people? I understand that this life is not going to be fair ever, that is just reality. However, when am I going to understand any of this? I do not expect an answer from anyone. I do not believe anymore that people are more than what we see. I would like to be bitter or even angry. I keep thinking that might help take an awful feeling of want away. I want the emptiness to leave. I do not want to feel alone. However, I cannot help thinking that God is not all there is. What am I saying. I have lost faith in everything, everyone. I am afraid I will search for this, higher meaning and never find it.
When I was in 10th grade, I was in a chapel service and Pastor was discussing God and what he had done for all of us. my friend turned to me and said, what if this is all a hoax, what if this is just a story to help us get through hard times and that none of it is true. I could never get that out of my head. Maybe it is just me; maybe I want to analyze it because I can. On the other hand, maybe I do not even dare say it. What if he was right? That is all for now, but I do leave you with these thoughts.