Velvet Elvis

'I'm learning that very few people actually live from their heart. Very few people live connected with their soul. And those few who do the difficult work, who stare their junk in the face, who get counsel, who let people into their soul that no one ever goes in, they make a difference. They are so different; they're coming from such a different place that their voices inevitably get heard above the others. They are pursuing wholeness and shalom, and it's contagious. They inspire me to keep going.'

This was taken from this book I read this weekend. For my "Assessing Individuals" class, I was supposed to pick up a self-help book. It was something our professor thought would be good for us. He said that there were many crappy self-help books out there, so we should find one and get it, read it, and tell the class what you think. GREAT! Not only do I have to find an other book to read, but I also have to get up in front of the class and tell them about it. Luckily, since Friday I have lost my fear of speaking in front of people. Who knows why? However, anyways, back to the book I bought this weekend. It's called "VELVET ELVIS" and was written by Rob Bell. At the time, I didn't know really, what it was, I just picked it up and it said something about repainting the Christian Faith. I thought, Oh well it might be interesting. You know there are certain times in your when everything and I mean everything is perfectly in the right placeand it's only a moment. Well, that night at the bookstore was my moment where it seemed like i was there for a reason, looking at the wrong section for a reason! I found this amazing book. This person talks about God, the bible, the soul, healing our souls, being made new, worship, moving forward, what is good, who we are. It was amazing. I read it in like 4 hours. Therefore, the book that I had to get for Assessing Individuals.assessed me. I am in a great field. One that I am happy to be in. I am learning more about myself than I ever thought possible.

Thoughts

After we die, do we ponder our lives as if they were dreams from which we have just awakened? Or do we forget them as quickly as we once forgot our dreams? What happens if we don't show up for an important dream? Is that like not showing up for an important class? And when we die, what then? Do we stop dreaming? Or do we make guest appearances in other dreams? Does God blame me for laughing when I should have been crying; for wanting to kiss a boy and live forever; for hoping I could find happiness by some well-traveled route? Apparently, we know that I will never stop questioning some of the oddest things. But these are the questions that haunt me, that keep me awake at night. No, I don't know how to stop them. Sometimes I even thinks its healthy. I am not worried about any of these things, I just question them like I question why I feel, or sing or even run.
I leave you with this last poem:
A cloudy, dreary day, sick with a cold, yet I want to mark the say, the year, to settle old accounts and begin something anew. It is what I am always up to, and I see how foolish it is, and how necessary. I can no more draw a line between yesterday and today than I can continue without one. The weight of the days is too great. The spirit needs to release. And so, a new year, a new longing no, rather the oldest to be different, to be better. I yearn for the end of attachment, and, with barely a pause, I am already dreaming of a more beautiful body, a more elegant mind, a self better able to receive, and give love. I ignore the only wisdom of my years: that I need only accept myself. And I forget that time is but one eternal moment in which we are created, in the timeless mind of God.

Raw

From the very first moment of my life that I can remember I have always wanted to be different. It wasnt enough for me to just be who I was, i needed to be different. I needed to shock people, to be bold, to run against the crowd. I needed to have bright hot pink hair, and pierce things, get tattoos. I needed to think liberal, dare to test and doubt God, find faith in something other than what had been drilled into my head. I needed to run away, and get lost in something. I needed to find happiness in material things. I needed to fall many times. I needed to make mistakes; cut people I love out of my life, and remove myself from all that I ever knew. I needed to blame my parents. I needed to cut myself, until I bled, in anger. I needed to starve myself of everything that is good. I needed to hate myself for a moment. I needed to be bitter and offer no forgiveness to myself or others. I needed to be angry for awhile. I needed to be different. I asked to be different. I didnt want to be like everyone else. I wanted something in my life to set me apart from everyone else. I needed to get into trouble. I needed to standout in the worst possible way, because where and what I come from, you are expected to get it right. I needed to hurt myself. I needed to feel pain. I needed to find myself, who ever that was, in my own time. Today, I find myself tired but a little better off. I am not perfect. I dont deserve some of the wonderful that have happened in my life. I need to be different. And I am. I am different because I have faith in someone and something that is bigger than me. Im working on forgiveness. Its a hard one. Most times its something you got to keep doing or asking for, day after day. Because we are human, we will make mistakes. The more real we are with that, the more realness we will get out of our life and what we are suppose to do with it. I want to be someone who has the courage to step out and speak out. I have put myself out there, I have decided to be me and show you that I havent had the perfect life that everyone assumes, that I made mistakes, but that I also changed. Im different. But there are some mistakes I know I will never allow myself to make.
Change comes around when people like you challenge people like me.

Something

Today, while at work I was putting all my CDs on my computer so that i could eventually get them to my IPOD. I realized soon that I had over 100 CDs that covered a ten year span. As I listened to some of them, they brought back memories of a different time in my life. It is such an amazing thing that our brains, thoughts, memories were built in such a way that some songs, smells, tastes can bring such joy or sorrow. A couple of songs actually made me cry because it took me back to a time that things were so much better than what they are now. This all lead to me thinking about the past, realizing ALL the lessons I have learned over the years. And I thought that I really shouldnt keep them to myself. That if I can help someone else from making a similar mistake, even if by chance they are just glancing at this. I am a believer that we can learn from others mistakes

So here are a few lessons I have learned along the way
1. Believe in God and Prayer- it really does work.
2. Learn the rules then break some of them.
3. Trust yourself
4. Love and take time for your family-youll regret it if you dont when they are gone.
5. Learn to read between the lines.
6. Dont take life too seriously.
7. Play in the rain at least once as an adult.
8. Memorize your favorite poem.
9. Believe in love at first sight.
10. Dont trust anyone who kisses with their eyes open. (thats just not right)
11. Live by yourself, even if its for a month, before you settle down with anyone. If you dont, youll always wonder.
12. Never let someone else control your thoughts or your life.
13. When you love someone, love them for who they are, not the potential they have to be someone else.
14. Learn that its ok to be wrong. Its ok to make mistakes, as long as you learn from them.
15. Always forgive no matter how hard it may seem. Its worse to carry around a grudge.
16. Tell your parents you love them a lot. Who knows how long you will have them around.
17. Be a good friend to your friends.
18. Know that life really isnt fair, no matter what you think. Nothing will change that.
19. When meeting new people, be interested in them. Do not try to make them interested in you.
20. Like yourself.
21. Dont ever be afraid to try something new. It stretches your brain.
22. When traveling the road of life, try to stop along the way and really smell the flowers.
23. Be passionate about something (art, cars, God, basketball, soccer)
24. Always try to be yourself. (this sometimes doesnt always work, but we still have to try)
25. Above all this be real. No one likes a fake.

Second Chances

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it OK
Theres always some reason to feel not good enough
And its hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction or a beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
Let me be empty and weightless and maybe Ill find some peace tonight
In the arms of the Angel far away from here. From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear. You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie. Youre in the arms of the Angel; may you find some comfort here.
So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn
Theres vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It dont make no difference, escaping one last time
Its easier to believe, in this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness, that brings me to my knees
In the arms of an ANGEL!

Is this what we do...wait for our second chance. 

Thanksgiving

What are you thankful for this thanksgiving? 

I will tell you that before this weekend thanksgiving were just another holiday that was all about food and that in the years past I have been glad when it was all over. Well, this year was different. This year I spent thanksgiving with a whole lot of my family. Family that does not get together usually except for Christmas and a Fourth of July party. I can't remember how many exactly there was, I think possibly 32 of us. My mom cooked a giant size meal. At first I was really dreading having to be with my family. I love them to death, but since my grandfather's death I really have a hard time being around them all and frankly, it makes me sad when I know he won't be there.
But it was amazing. I had decided to do something different and I had everyone fill out a piece of paper with something or many things that they are thankful for. When they were done, we put it inside of a box, and mixed it up then went around the room and picked one out to read. We all went around the room and each said what the letter wrote. As I said, It was amazing. My family, they are one of a kind. They are irreplaceable and are missed deeply when they are gone.
Therefore, what am I thankful for this year:

Family
Love
Friends
Shoulders to cry on Health
Times with Pappa
Kindness
Kingston
New members of the family
Time
New Beginnings
Good Times
The memories of the past; the hope for the Future
Paved roads, dirt roads, uneven roads, and ruts- for they make you what you are
Blue skys snowflakes unexpected phone calls hugs and Kisses from Nellie and Bridget
I love yous from my DAD
Never ending support from my mom
The will to forget, the strength to move on, and the stamina to keep going when I want to stop!

Believing

Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken or rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conductive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it. -Buddha

Amazing words. Since my grandfathers’ sudden death, I have been struggling with what I believe and why I believe it. Its not enough for me anymore to just go with the flow. I need more. I need more than what faith has to offer. I need proof, bigger proof that something greater control what is going on out there. Moreover, if that is the case why do SO many bad things happen to SO many good people? I understand that this life is not going to be fair ever, that is just reality. However, when am I going to understand any of this? I do not expect an answer from anyone. I do not believe anymore that people are more than what we see. I would like to be bitter or even angry. I keep thinking that might help take an awful feeling of want away. I want the emptiness to leave. I do not want to feel alone. However, I cannot help thinking that God is not all there is. What am I saying. I have lost faith in everything, everyone. I am afraid I will search for this, higher meaning and never find it.
When I was in 10th grade, I was in a chapel service and Pastor was discussing God and what he had done for all of us. my friend turned to me and said, what if this is all a hoax, what if this is just a story to help us get through hard times and that none of it is true. I could never get that out of my head. Maybe it is just me; maybe I want to analyze it because I can. On the other hand, maybe I do not even dare say it. What if he was right? That is all for now, but I do leave you with these thoughts.